Movie “Teasers”

So guess what came out today? A “teaser trailer” for The Magnificent Seven! Take a look:

That movie looks like it could be kind of fun! It’s got Denzel and Pratt and Hawke and they’re cowboys! Neat! It almost certainly won’t be as quality as The Magnificent Seven with Yul Brynner and Steve McQueen from 1960, but a remake of an adaptation of a Japanese samurai film will hopefully bring something new to the table. That’s not what I want to rant about today, though. I’ve already ranted about remakes plenty.

No, what I’m here to rant about is how every first trailer released these days is called a teaser trailer. For example, here’s the Doctor Strange “teaser trailer”:

One can’t help but notice that these are each two minutes long, showcase main characters, give impressions of plots…wait, isn’t that just a trailer? I watched the Doctor Strange one the other day and thought “How is that a teaser trailer? It didn’t tease anything. I now know what someone should know when decided whether or not to see this movie.” Just like I did with The Magnificent Seven “teaser.”

I always felt that teaser trailers should be quick, nothing more than images, really, that would get you intrigued at a very basic level. For example, here’s the teaser trailer for Jurassic World:

Argue all you want about how good the movie itself actually is, but that teaser trailer did everything a teaser trailer should do. You saw quick images, a couple intriguing phrases, and heard some haunting music. That’s it. What. A. Tease.

I guess marketing people think that if you call a trailer a teaser, then people will be more likely to watch it. “Oh, it’s a teaser trailer? What’s it teasing? It’s going to get a rise out of me? Ooooo, I like being teased, yes I do!” It makes sense on some stupid level, but really every trailer is a teaser trailer, save for the ones that basically show you the entire movie. Lookin at you, Batman v. Superman, you piece of shit.

Anyways, it just struck me when I watched the Magnificent Seven teaser that every first trailer is a teaser trailer these days, and that’s fucking idiotic. Might as well just start calling trailers “teasers.” In fact, I might do that. I’m going to be that goddamn guy that everyone hates because he calls things the wrong name. Now check out this awesome teaser for Captain America: Civil War:

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