D&D Badasses Ch. 3: Lego is Sneaky as Hell

Time for another chapter in the D&D Badasses saga!  In case you missed them, here are Chapter 1 and Chapter 2!  This week, the group continues their search for Four Finger Jack!  All events drawn directly from a game of Dungeons and Dragons, engineered by Dungeon Master Andy Primm!

They all peered into the dark hole that Bamf had just hurled himself through.  Lego was trying to stifle his excited giggles, reveling in the bold attitude that Bamf had.  They heard his armor clanging around in the dark, so it was clear that he was still alive and moving about.

“Bamf…?” asked Lego.  “How ya doin down there, buddy?”

“Bamf…can’t see,” replied Sir Bamf.  “Very dark, too dark.  Bamf can’t even see you above him!  Bamf is bliiiind!”

“Bamf, calm yourself,” said Aurelia.  “It is possible that your helmet has fallen over your eyes.”

They heard some shuffling in the dark and the sound of metal scraping against metal.

“Oh,” they heard Bamf say, sounding embarassed.  “Bamf can see.  Still dark, Bamf is in a tunnel, a hallway.  Light coming from end somewhere.”

“Anything that wants to eat us?” asked Penelope.

“No,” replied Bamf, after a pause.

“Dang,” said Penelope.

“Well, no point in standing around up here,” said Bluntz as he lowered himself into the hole.  They all followed in turn and Lego found himself peering down a long hallway.

“What do you suppose is down there?” he asked.

“Most everything we have come across thus far,” answered Aurelia, “would indicate that nothing good is awaiting us.”

“You think it’s more Lizard Men?” asked Penelope, apprehensively.  Lego remembered that Lizard Men were a phobia of hers.

“No,” he said, reassuringly, and tapped the side of his nose.  “We’d smell ’em a mile away.”

“K,” she replied, smiling meekly, as her fox came and nuzzled her.

“I’ll tell you guys what,” said Lego.  “I’ll do a little scouting ahead, check things out, and let you know what I find.  We should probably be a little quieter here.”

The rest of the group looked at one another, and Lego detected that they weren’t completely confident in his abilities.  He wondered if it had something to do with his failure with the guards.

“Don’t worry, guys,” he said confidently, “I can handle this.”

The group exchanged a couple more glances with one another before Aurelia said “We are sure you can achieve this.  Tread carefully, Master Halfling.”

“Yeah, don’t fuck it up,” said Bluntz.

Penelope gave Bluntz a swift kick in the shin and Lego turned down the hallway.  He took three steps and promptly stubbed his toe.

“Fuck!” he yelled, hopping in place once before quickly composing himself.  He refused to look back at his friends and instead stepped carefully over the raised stone in the floor.  “There’s a rock there, guys,” he said to them and creeped down the hallways further.  He rounded a corner and saw the hallway continue until it met another bend.  He carefully observed the dimly lit corridor and noticed a stone slab slightly raised from the floor in the middle of the hallway.  Lego knew an obvious trap when he saw one.  He waved with his hand for his party to join him.

“The tunnel continues,” he told them when they joined him.  “And if you look carefully, you can see a slab in the middle of the floor.  I believe that it is a pressure plate of some kind, a trap that will-”

“Bamf not let trap hurt friends!” Bamf shouted and marched forward.

Everyone in the group began to protest, but the large half-elf was not to be stopped.  He defiantly stomped on the plate and immediately an arrow shot from the far wall and implanted itself into the paladin.  He stood for a moment, then looked down at the arrow protruding from his body.  He then turned back to the group, who were all staring at the man, shocked.

“But…” Bamf said, sounding horribly perplexed.  “But Bamf’s armor.  Bamf can’t be hurt by… Bamf… Bamf confused.”

“Even the strongest armor has its weaknesses,” said Aurelia.

“Maaaaan, you’ve got an arrow in you,” said Bluntz, seemingly amazed.

“You OK?” asked Penelope.

“Yes, Bamf fine,” said Sir Bamf.  Lego thought he heard Bamf’s voice quiver, but the large man reached up and yanked the arrow from his flesh.  Lego flinched as paladin ripped it out, then walked up and patted Bamf reassuringly.

“Happens to the best of us,” he said, looking up at the big guy.  He thought he caught a hint of tears in the man’s eyes, but Lego couldn’t be sure if they were from pain or from embarrassment.  Still, the group had to press onwards.

“I’ll take another look ahead,” offered Lego, and began down the hallway before they could protest.  He took two steps and slammed his toe into another stone.

“Fuck!” he yelled again, grabbing his foot.  He once again decided not to look back at his friends’ judging eyes, and instead gave up on sneaking.  He marched himself around the corner and into a room lit by torches.  He immediately regretted his decision.

In the center of the room stood a gruesome scene that Lego did not expect.  A man hung, crucified with torches all around him.  Severed heads were encircling him, laid out on the floor.  Lego realized that they must have been from the bodies they found up above, though the revelation gave him no comfort.  Standing around the dead man were four hooded figures, their heads bowed as they faced the corpse.

“Uh…guys?” Lego quietly tried to call back to his friends.  “Guuuuuys?”  He heard the soft footsteps of Penelope come up behind him.

“Oh, that is seriously gross,” she said as she joined him.  “What did you do?”

“What did I do?!” replied Lego, “why in the world would you think I did this?”

“I dunno, you tell me,” she retorted.

“I didn’t do this, of course I didn’t do this!  I’ve been gone like, ten seconds!  And I wouldn’t do this even should I find the time!”

“You say that, but no one was here to see you not do this.  Sneaky halfling likes to sneak, doesn’t he?”

“I do not believe Lego is responsible for this,” said Aurelia.  Lego somehow didn’t notice the rest of the group joining them in the ridiculous argument he was having with Penelope, but they were all suddenly there with him, staring at the scene he had discovered.  He turned back to the grisly mess and almost jumped out of his skin.  The four figures were now facing the group, their faces shrouded by their hoods.

“This is pretty messed up,” said Bluntz to the figures.  “You guys knows this is messed up.”

“Give up, now!” said Lego in his most commanding voice.  The hooded figures stared the group down.  “We mean it, give up or there will be consequences!  …Dire consequences.”

The figures gave no indication of surrender, instead slowly raising gloved hands to their hoods in unison.  They slowly grasped their hoods and drew them back, revealing stark white bone beneath.  Their faces were fleshless and where their eyes belonged, only a lifeless darkness remained.

“Skellingtons,” said Lego.  He knew that intimidation wouldn’t work on them, so he thought perhaps he would try something else.  “You guys are skellingtons?  I’m a skellington, too!  I mean, beneath all these fleshy bits, you know.  But it’s in there, you can trust me on that!”

The abominations simply stared back at him.  Lego wasn’t so sure that he could get on their good side.  They then began to march towards the group, drawing swords.

“OK, new plan!” called Bluntz, wielding his staff.

“Agreed,” said Aurelia as they both sprang into the room.

Lego drew his crossbow and leveled it at the closest skeleton.  He loosed an arrow and it plunged into the robes of the creature before exiting the other side.  Lego cursed himself for not thinking that one through, either.  He saw Bluntz sparring with another skeleton, deflecting the sword with his staff and returning with his own strikes.

Suddenly a fireball flew through the air over Lego’s head and began flitting around a skeleton, setting his robes ablaze.  As it went up in flames he heard the lighthearted laugh of Penelope the gnome.  He looked at her and saw her practically dancing as she controlled the fireball, the flame responding to her movements, engulfing the skeleton.

He heard Bamf give a mighty roar and saw him run up to another skeleton and tackle it to the ground with all his might.  They both crashed onto the floor and Lego saw the skeleton smash into a thousand pieces, Bamf’s weight practically turning it to dust.  He skidded facefirst on the ground until he slid to a stop.  Two down, thought Lego.

He turned back and saw the first skeleton that he shot at moving directly towards Penelope, who was preoccupied with finishing off her own burning foe, so Lego took aim with his crossbow again.  He knew better this time, however, and aimed directly for the creatures head.  He exhaled and loosed the bolt, which sailed through the air and smashed into the monster’s head.  The skull cracked and crumbled, and the body followed suit, snapping each bone as it collapsed.

Lego then brought his attention to the last skeleton, which Bluntz was still sparring with.  He was about to take aim when Aurelia swooped behind the creature, placed two precise blows on its shoulders, and allowed the arms to fall to the ground.  The creature looked at where its arms used to be and Lego could have sworn that it wore a confused expression.  It didn’t wear it for long, however, as Aurelia swiftly took its skull between her hands and crushed it into powder with one fluid motion.  Those hands might be the deadliest weapon here, thought Lego.

With all the skeletons defeated, the team regrouped in front of the dead man.  Bamf took him down as carefully as he could, dropping him on the floor with a heavy thud.  Lego looked at the man and realized who it was they had found.

“Well, we can stop looking for Four Finger Jack,” he said, indicating the number of fingers on the man’s hand.

“Yes, it appears this is where he met his end,” said Aurelia.  “I wonder the purpose of this display.  Why not simply kill and bury him?”

“Some ritual, maybe,” offered Bluntz, “or weird fetish?”

“Evil,” said Bamf.

“The sooner we’re away from it the better,” said Penelope.  “Melanie doesn’t like it, either.”  The fox snorted in agreement.

“Well,” said Lego, “I don’t think we’re done, yet.”  He pointed to a door at the back of the room and began walking towards it, the rest following.

Lego looked the door over and didn’t see anything odd about it.  Could either lead to an office or another room filled with horrors.  Only one way to find out, he reasoned, and opened the door.

An arrow swiftly came out of the opposite wall and lodged itself in Lego’s arm.

“Oh, that is some bullshit!” he shouted as he plopped on the floor, looking at the projectile sticking out of him.

“Just like Bamf!” Sir Bamf laughed.

“Is it serious?” asked Aurelia, kneeling beside Lego.

“I’ll live, I think,” Lego replied.  “Fucking smarts, though.”

“I’ll get it!” shouted Penelope, and before Lego could protest, she pulled the arrow from him.  He shouted in pain as it was yanked away.  Aurelia put pressure on his wound and helped him to bind it.  It was then that Lego noticed the cuts on Aurelia’s hands, and saw that her robes were slashed in many places.  Perhaps melee combat was more damaging than she had let on.

“Will you live?” he asked her.  She glanced at him as she wrapped his wound.

“My mind is trained to transcend pain,” she replied.  “These injuries will not fall me.”

“They better not,” Lego said, more than a little concerned.  Bamf could take some punishment, the rest of them, however, were a little less boulder-like.

“Guys,” said Bluntz, standing in the corner of the room, “We got another door in the floor.”

“Come on, again?  Really?” asked Lego incredulously, and Bluntz nodded.  Lego sighed and looked to Bamf, who wore look on his face that Lego would describe as “retarded puppy with a ball.”  Bamf took two strides and pulled the door open, before once more dropping down and disappearing into a strange hole.

To Be Continued…

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